Taurus: Others want to take the bull by the horns, so let ’em. It’s easier to see your foes eye-to-eye, instead of someone snatching at your squishy bits to get your attention. Be alert, someone will wave a red flag and try a power grab.
Gemini: You’re having a good day. Like, too good. Yes, you could skip merrily along and enjoy it, but honestly, you’re going to tiptoe around corners and expect Karma to jump out and yell “Boo!” Relax, that won’t happen until 2:30 pm.
Cancer: Most people have hidden depths in their soul where they find spectacular revelations and inner growth, but you just use that space to store bags of Doritos. You may not be spiritually evolving, but at least you’re not hangry.
Leo: You can’t curse anyone with a thousand fleas invading their armpits anymore, since people discovered waxing, but you can still hex their Instagram to freeze up whenever they try to be an influencer. Bonus: Everybody wins.
Virgo: It feels like you’re in a scary monster movie right now, but it’s more like Boris Karloff Meets the Three Stooges. When you feel like screaming, laugh instead. Empower yourself by kicking that zombie werewolf in the rear and making fun of its haircut.
Libra: Some lead lives of quiet desperation, but that’s not your style. Everyone may dislike your comments on their cooking, their driving, and the way they’re just standing there, breathing in and out, but at least they know where you stand. It’s 50 feet away, according to the restraining order.
Scorpio: Expect to get lucky on Thursday. Could be a hot date, or you find a $20 winning scratcher ticket on the ground. Keep your eyes open and your motor running, because you’re going to score.
Sagittarius: Your chances of succeeding at work are like a giraffe taking up the trombone: unlikely, but if it does happen, a camera crew will definitely show up. Wear your formal Spongebob T-shirt, just in case.
Capricorn: You may be as sharp as a marble, but even you can figure out where you go wrong on Friday. Put your swim trunks back on and apologize to everyone having dinner near the lobster tank at that posh seafood restaurant.
Aquarius: This is not the week for a big trip. If you want to expand your horizons, buy a wider TV. After Saturday, everyone will have forgotten about that thing you did with the whipped cream and the weed tiller, so you’ll be good to go.
Pisces: The Universe is filled with potential, but you’re ready for some blessings to materialize in the flesh. Channel your inner Karen and demand that Karma manifest a big ol’ gift basket at your door. You’ll both be surprised when it actually works.
Aries: Let a smile be your umbrella and your mouth will fill up with rainwater. That’ll save you when you feel like popping off a sarcastic comment to your sweetie, so you don’t have to gargle an apology.
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