Wisecrack Zodiac

Gemini: Wonder Twin powers activate! Yours will take the form of a bucket of water and a small monkey with a sponge. You won’t save the world with the Justice League, but the windows will be spotless.

Cancer: The best things in life aren’t free; it’ll take $5 in tiny harmonicas and Super Glue, and maybe a step-stool to reach all the air conditioning vents in your mother-in-law’s house. Worth the investment, though, even with the screaming and cursing.

Leo: Indulge in something frivolous, like strapping a GoPro camera to a Chihuahua and sending it out to record all the juicy gossip at the family reunion. The adorable pup wins you cute points, and the blackmail material keeps your gas tank topped up for weeks.

Virgo: Someone may not be the apple of your eye, but they are the kumquat of your soul: a little weird and you don’t know what to do with them. Give ’em a squeeze anyway; they may surprise you.

Libra: You’re one step away from greatness, but you’re five leaps, two skips and an electric slide away from being the coolest person on crutches at the high school reunion. Remember, not even Kevin Bacon can do those Footloose moves these days.

Scorpio: Blessings rain down upon you, but it’s your choice whether that’s a gentle drizzle, or a vigorous, thundering hailstorm. If you’re flip-flopping between the two, put on some work boots and a helmet instead.

Sagittarius: You’ve been talked out of so many incredible ideas; don’t let anyone bully you out of that new one on Friday. After all, what could go wrong with attaching a lawnmower engine to a unicycle and riding it to Walmart for a beer run?

Capricorn: Shiny, happy people surround you, and it’s putting you on edge. Wednesday brings you the perfect grump; prepare to spend many fulfilling evenings complaining to each other about everything. Isn’t love grand? Or not, depending on your mood.

Aquarius: Your fate isn’t sealed; it’s just wrapped in an old traffic ticket and stuffed in an ancient Publishers Clearing House envelope at the back of your closet. Air it out and let it get some sun. It will perk up considerably after that.

Pisces: Enough has happened in life to turn you into a Batman villain, but fear not, faithful reader, because good things are coming your way. Karma’s fire hose of fantastic fortune will blast away that twitchy, over-dramatic persona, but you can keep the slinky outfit for date nights and Halloween.

Aries: Life is like a circus, except your clowns were replaced by over-caffeinated skunks with anger issues. Move quietly and carefully this week, and you won’t be soaking in a tomato juice bath on Sunday.

Taurus: Everything’s coming up roses for you on Tuesday; grab a towel and ask your sweetie for a gift card next time instead of leaving that gorgeous, pricey bouquet on a low table where the dog can snack on it.