Wisecrack Zodiac

Beth Bartlett

VIRGO: Nothing prepared you for success, so you don’t have to worry when it skips over you on Tuesday. But you are thoroughly trained in looking sad and making others feel guilty; use that and you’ll score a few small perks.

LIBRA: One weirdo running down Spring Street in a thong isn’t unheard of, but a few hundred doing it? That just means everyone’s tired of the August heat. Set up a few sprinklers in Basin Park and you’ll make some serious dough before the cops shut it all down.

SCORPIO: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but you just got a new prescription and can see everything clearly again. Start kicking some rear ends and set things straight. Also, was that stray cat you adopted just a giant dust bunny the entire time? No wonder its collar kept falling off.

SAGITTARIUS: It’s fine to tiptoe around someone sensitive for a while, but you’re walking like someone stapled your underwear shut. Quit doing the ‘gotta pee’ watusi and bust out of that bad situation before things get messy.

CAPRICORN: Life may not be smiling down on you, but it did forget about you for a minute, so go ahead and do that bizarre thing bouncing around in your mind. By the time it remembers, you’ll have all your mischief managed.

AQUARIUS: Others meditate for enlightenment, but you’re doing it because you’ve accidentally locked yourself in the bathroom without your phone. It’s OK; your thoughts aren’t that crazy about spending quality time with you, either.

PISCES: Every day is better than the last, which means you’ll be partying with a drunken birthday clown made of cash and chocolate by Saturday. It’s good to be you.

ARIES: Lately you’ve been so crabby, you make listening to “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” on loop seem like a good time. Try something new and dance in the street to country reggae ska for a while. The horrified yet curious onlookers will definitely cheer you up.

TAURUS: If life is a highway, then you’re putting along on a defective scooter. Trade that busted ride for something your soul can enjoy, like a VW Bug painted like the Batmobile. Extra points if flames shoot out the back like a tiny dragon burping up Fireball.

GEMINI: Someone comes to you with a business proposition, but can you actually train marmosets to wear headsets and serve ice cream? If so, you’ll be rich, but also very, very sticky.

CANCER: Cash usually doesn’t rain from the sky on you, but be prepared for it on Friday. It may be a brief hail of dimes and nickels, but they still spend, and you’re not too proud to scoop it up. Wear a helmet.

LEO: Good things come to those who wait, but fantastic things come to those who stand on Karma’s front porch and glare menacingly at the door. You’ll get what you want, and you’ll be the reason the Universe buys a Ring camera.