Wisecrack Zodiac

Beth Bartlett

Virgo: No good deed goes unpunished, but if you’re lucky the Universe will use the feather duster instead of that high-quality riding crop you have stashed in the bottom of the dresser. Why is it there? We don’t ask, we don’t judge, and we really don’t want to know.

Libra: You have a chance to escape the straight and narrow life when you launch a chicken betting app on Friday. Are the chickens betting, or do you bet on the chickens? No one knows, but you still go viral.

Scorpio: Some days you’re the swatter, some days you’re the mosquito, but on Wednesday you’re the electric bug zapper hotwired to the main grid. If trouble crosses your path, you will light them all the way up.

Sagittarius: One way to find the positive things in life is to count your blessings. The quicker way, however, involves licking a 9-volt battery. Either you’ll make the right decision, or everything will taste like 20-year-old Mountain Dew for a week.

Capricorn: A new opportunity wanders in like a bored raccoon; there will be chaos, chattering, and general mayhem, but success is definitely yours once you’ve had all your shots.

Aquarius: That wild idea has the same chance of success as teaching a goldfish to do yoga. Even if you stretch first, you’ll still be staring at your own tail while holding your breath.

Pisces: Why reach for the stars when you can easily grab some low-hanging fruit? At least you can snatch it for a snack while you think up a better plan for the future. But don’t pick it up off the ground; you should have some standards.

Aries: Just because someone piddled in your Post Toasties doesn’t mean you should immediately drop trou and dance on their front lawn like a demented flamingo. Bide your time, and do it when they’re crying fake tears for a heartfelt TikTok.

Taurus: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but thankfully your sweetie is farsighted and cross-eyed, so they can’t see what a hot mess you are. Hold them close, be grateful, and try to pull yourself together by Friday.

Gemini: If it wasn’t for bad luck, you’d have no luck at all, but things aren’t all doom, despair and agony. Tuesday has a nice bright spot if you know where to stand, and the light flatters all your best features. Make sure that spot isn’t in the middle of traffic.

Cancer: Someone sounds like a broken record, but they look like an 8-track tape that survived a few rounds in an industrial dryer. Still, they have good advice, so give them a listen. If they pause, shove a matchbook under them; that should do the trick.

Leo: Everything is unicorns and rainbows on Monday, but you should definitely keep an eye on that unicorn waiting on you in the vacant parking lot. You know, the one sharpening his horn and cackling. That could be trouble.