Virgo: The early bird may get the worm, but lately you’re feeling like a permanently exhausted pigeon. Skip the bird seed, order DoorDash and watch that trashy show that you love. You’ve earned some indulgent self-care.
Libra: Dance like no one’s watching, because they aren’t. Their heads are down and staring at their phones, so you can finally bust out that Running Man/Gangnam Style move in the freezer aisle of the grocery store. Only the poor soul watching the security cam will know.
Scorpio: Love is a funny thing: It can kiss you on the lips or slap you on the rear. On Saturday, Cupid is dressed up like Rambo and ready to take you down. Wear your best smile and clean underwear.
Sagittarius: Your sudden windfall turns into a hurricane, getting larger than you expected. If you see Jim Cantore, make a beeline for the bank and stash away your new fortune before it blows away.
Capricorn: Yes, the show must go on, but no one said it had to be the same. Throw in some juggling beavers and an ex-Star Search contestant who plays musical rats, and you have something no one can ignore.
Aquarius: Only boring people and ad-supported algorithms want perfection; your bizarreness doesn’t fit in the social media scroll, but you do make life wonderfully interesting for everyone around you. Lean into that; you may not be popular, but you could be mad, bad and dangerous to know.
Pisces: The Universe is ready to take care of you, so let it do all the heavy lifting this week. Relax on the sofa and watch its muscles flex as Karma makes everything right, then go out for ice cream. You deserve it.
Aries: You may have the Universe on speed dial, but, like most older entities, it doesn’t have its voicemail set up yet. You can either tackle Tuesday’s challenges on your own, or teach Karma how to text.
Taurus: Thursday has the vibe of a Muppet in a string bikini: It’s weird and you can’t look away, yet it all feels so wrong. If you’re lucky, the show-off is Animal the drummer hopped up on Red Bull, so it feels like just another day in downtown Eureka.
Gemini: You may not be statuesque, uniquely talented or brilliant, but…where were we going with this? Ah yes, but there is a winning lottery ticket lost in the debris of your car’s back seat, so you do have something going for you this week.
Cancer: That sign on your wall saying “Live, Laugh, Love” will be updated after Friday’s fiasco with the box fan and that giant bottle of ghost pepper sauce to “Cry, Cough, And Be Court-Ordered to Have the EMTs on Standby While You’re Cooking.”
Leo: Good luck could shower down on you, and you’d think it’s just Karma taking a tinkle on a windy day. This week brings something so excellent, even you have to grudgingly admit it’s a blessing.
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