Wisecrack Zodiac: April 4, 2024

  Bartlett

Aries: For you, life is a whole new ballgame, and here you are without a catcher’s mitt. Do some stretches and grab a uniform, because you’re in the big leagues now. Just don’t grab your baseballs on TV.

Taurus: You’re leading a charmed life this week; you could just be getting all the good luck you deserve, or somewhere there’s a frustrated witch trying to figure out why you’re not a toad yet. Enjoy it, because time flies, and so does lunch.

Gemini:

Something weird is happening around you, but you don’t have a clue. It won’t take a big blue dog to help you solve this puzzle; just watch what others do instead of what they say and then give them a rousing rendition of your own ‘so long’ song.

Cancer: Expect a heartfelt, written note from your secret admirer on Thursday. It may not be a declaration of true love, but it will explain more about your car’s extended warranty.

Leo: If your week is music, you’re about to go from mellow yacht rock to experimental jazz played on accordions made from whoopee cushions and window shades. Earplugs won’t help; just keep dancing until you find the beat.

Virgo: Into every life, a little light must shine. Hopefully it’s from kindness and joy, instead of a blinding beam from an officer’s flashlight into your car window after you’ve parked on the bench outside city hall. Kindness and joy has far less paperwork.

Libra: To thine own self be true, but at least try to remember the cover stories you told to the rest of the family. Otherwise, Sunday dinner will be awkward as you talk fast and try to dodge Grandma’s broom. Remember to duck; she’s got a great right arm.

Scorpio: Thursday brings you a bouquet of opportunities. Put them in water and let them bloom, then double up on your allergy meds because a couple are nothing to sneeze at.

Sagittar ius: Sometimes finding the best in a bad situation means flipping it over and shaking it until all the change drops from its pockets. The situation might still suck, but now you have laundry money.

Capricorn: You may think you’re the fox in the henhouse, but you’re really just a rooster with a soup can on his head. Your boss is letting you get away with something, because it’s funnier than watching you squirm. Give ’em a good show and you could get promoted.

Aquarius: On Monday you’re at a loss for words. It’s all right, because your sweetie found them all, and several extra. Next time, compliment them on that new recipe and you won’t have to eat crow.

Pisces: Things are looking up this week, which means someone found that extra large box of googly eyes in your closet and plastered them all over everything you own. Go ahead, stare at the sky with the barbecue grill and the lawn mower. Nothing brightens your day like confusing the neighbors.