Aries: Most rainbows end with a pot of gold, but the one you’re chasing only offers up some free beef jerky and a nearly expired Chuck E. Cheese gift card. It does get you through until payday, though, so celebrate your good fortune.
Taurus: Life’s looking good from where you’re sitting, but not everyone can perch their hiney on a skateboard atop a creaky ladder. Keep that positive attitude and stay flexible; you’ll need some extra mojo to get down with the appropriate amount of limbs.
Gemini: You’ve seen fire and you’ve seen rain, usually within the same 15 minutes. Your cooking’s not getting any better, but that new sprinkler system is really paying off. Karma’s thinking about giving you free DoorDash just to reduce the catastrophe caseload.
Cancer: You don’t have to always dig deep in self-reflection; grab a net and skim some life-changing attitudes off the top. It cleans up your soul, and you still have time to catch up on your fave Netflix shows.
Leo: Chasing the latest trends just leaves you tired, and leaves your money in someone else’s pockets. Be your own trend: Who else can juggle cantaloupes while carving the faces of the Golden Girls in butter?
Virgo: Tuesday brings you a giant Amazon-sized box of luck. It’s up to you to decide whether that box is filled with good fortune or crappy decisions. Either way, keep the receipt in case things get weird.
Libra: Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but last Friday was the 4, 678th day. Blame it on new math, or that rickety time machine you bought off Facebook Marketplace. Figure that contraption out soon, because we all want a crack at it.
Scorpio: Opportunities attack you on Saturday like overstimulated toddlers on Pixy Stix. Pick out a few and apply them to your situation, but tuck the rest of them in for a nap just to keep your last nerve intact.
Sagittarius: Life is beauty, chaos, and a little hanky-panky, but no one knows what’s going on with your Thursday. It’s not enemies-to-lovers energy yet, but there could be a buff werewolf involved. Write it all down, and you’ll have a bestselling novel on TikTok.
Capricorn: It’s true you can’t compare apples to oranges, but you can throw them at people who annoy you on Monday. If you get really ambitious, you can chase them with the basket, too.
Aquarius: You’re not madder than a wet hen, but you are more agitated than a slightly damp cockatoo with a swearing problem. If you can’t stay calm, at least make the cursing interesting enough for the growing audience around you at the gas station.
Pisces: Fear has no power; quit trying to give it your house key and debit card. Kick it to the curb, and keep kicking it down the street. Don’t be surprised if everyone joins in with their own problems: Eureka Springs loves a good parade.
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