Wisecrack Zodiac: 3/31/24

Aries: There’s magic in the air around you. Either you’ve done something karmically wonderful, or someone has slapped two wizards together behind your back. Either way, take advantage of the situation, because that excellent juju won’t last long.

Taurus: Don’t worry about your mouth writing checks that your body can’t cash. You should be concerned about your third eye stealing your debit card and heading out for a shopping spree with your higher self. Change your cards before you end up with a garage filled with crystals.

Gemini: Saturday isn’t your day, and Sunday’s not looking good either. Monday might be your best bet, especially if you scratch it behind the ears and offer it a nice piece of fried chicken.

Cancer: Go ahead, reach for the stars. You may not achieve your goal, but the stretch will be good for your back. Try tilting at a few windmills to really flesh out your Impossible Dream workout.

Leo: Work/life balance is important, but it’s easier when your coworkers aren’t trying to trip you up on the high wire. Pack up your unicycle for a night, and leave the clowns behind long enough to take your sweetie out to dinner.

Virgo: Several of your secrets are laid bare this week but the one about the kangaroo and the roller derby is still safe. Still, you might want to throw an extra T-shirt on a few others, so no one can spot the naked truth.

Libra: On Friday, your whole household is abuzz with excitement. You should really get that wiring fixed. On the other hand, accidentally grabbing a bare wire means the whole family has amazing, Bob Ross-worthy perms for free.

Scorpio: You’re not paranoid, they really are out to get you. The good news is that they just want to ask you about your secret BBQ sauce recipe. Slide it under the door, and you’ll be left in peace to obsess over your next biggest fear: paratrooper penguins.

Sagittar ius: Spring may be around the corner, but Winter is hiding in the hall closet with a tennis racket and a grudge. Run for the door and throw in a few zigzags; you’ll soon be basking under sunny skies, even if it’s only in a tanning bed.

Capricorn: Tuesday brings you an opportunity. Use it wisely, or else you could be kneedeep in tutu-wearing crocodiles and trying to teach them Swedish folk songs. Do you really want to go through that again?

Aquarius: Some days your mind is a sharply tailored suit, ready for anything. On Wednesday, it’s a tie-dyed bikini stapled to a bicycle and wrapped around a telephone pole. The wheels are turning, but you’re just flapping in the breeze.

Pisces: You let your imagination run wild on Monday; now it’s gone feral and is growling under the house. Don’t panic, just set out a TV tuned to daytime programming. It will be stunned senseless in no time, and you’ll easily wrangle it back inside.