Wisecrack Zodiac: 3/28/24


Aries: Not everyone gets you, and that’s OK. They wouldn’t know what to do even if they could catch up with you. Go find the group of weirdos you need; they’ll probably be working the nearest carnival or challenging a herd of goats to a head-butting contest.

Taurus: You have a spring in your step on Wednesday, followed by a stumble and several colorful swear words. Next time, check the carpet for random Lego bricks before stumbling through barefoot at 3 a.m.

Gemini: Expect a windfall this week, because Karma is smiling on you. Actually, she’s looking at you and trying not to laugh, but hey, you’ll find at least 35 cents in a parking lot. That’s still a win.

Cancer: Nothing can prepare you for what will happen on Thursday, but here goes: Wear your cutest undies, keep a salt shaker in the car, and watch out for electric fences. That explains it all, really.

Leo: You’re mad at the Universe because you think the Universe is mad at you. Actually, It’s just disappointed you didn’t notice its new shoes. Throw a few vague compliments toward the sky, and things just might go your way.

Virgo: Be careful on Saturday. You’re not above the law, but with luck and timing, you may just barely slide around the side. Take a hint from your close call. In the future, try something safer in your spare time, like juggling werewolves.

Libra: No one expects you to have all the answers, but you should at least get a “yes” or “no” right occasionally. Get a Magic 8-Ball so you have a chance at sounding intelligent during the next lover’s spat with your sweetie.

Scorpio: You’re walking on sunshine, tripping on thunder and doing cartwheels across the fog. Next time, check to see if the lemonade in the fridge has fermented before you drink it.

Sagittar ius: Someone’s trying to prove a point with you on Friday. Not only should you shut down their argument, go ahead and unplug it, set it by the curb and wait for the trash truck to swing by. They’ll get your message.

Capricorn: Your boss will have the last word on Tuesday, but you have the fourth, seventh, and 12th words. You can make them count, or just make them confusing enough so the head honcho leaves the room and you can goof off in peace.

Aquarius: Life is a circus this week. You may be juggling chainsaws, but at least you’re not sharing a tiny car with a dozen clowns who all enjoyed beans for lunch. The chainsaws will be quieter, and they’ll have fewer fart jokes.

Pisces: Just when you find your rhythm, someone changes the song. This time, you have the stereo remote and a stack of Dr. Demento tapes. Enjoy making others dance to your wild and wacky tune for a while, you’ve earned it.