Wisecrack Zodiac: May 9, 2024

Taurus: You may not be lucky in love, but you’re a walking four-leaf clover when it comes to scoring great deals. Romance can’t compete with a really good coupon and a 2-for-1 sale at Tractor Supply.

Gemini: Don’t feel bad that your fashion line for pets failed; get inspired to design for a different customer. Every dog may have its day, but iguanas don’t have enough cute miniskirts.

Cancer: Your buddy may be three sheets to the wind, but you prefer to keep your dirty laundry under wraps. Don’t share any secrets on Friday night, or your skivvies will be flapping in the breeze come Monday.

Leo: The good news: There’s a bright spot in your week. Bad news: It’s from Karma using a magnifying glass on a sunny day to check you out. Step lively, or you could end up slightly toasted.

Virgo: Life is a banquet, but you keep hiding out in the kitchen and licking empty plates. Be brave and step out to the big table; the kitchen will be out of a dishwasher, but you’ll finally be mingling and merry.

Libra: Everyone marches to the beat of their own drum, but leave it to you to add a tuba, an accordion and three poodles playing harmonicas. At this rate, you’ll either have an angry mob or a record deal.

Scorpio: You may not get what you want on Wednesday, but you’ll get what you need. Just be glad that your co-worker keeps an extra roll of toilet paper in their desk, and they’re laughing too hard to record you on their phone.

Sagittar ius: Someone’s looking for you to shower them with love, and you can only muster up a drizzle of sarcasm. Work on that rain dance or they’ll be off to Cloud 9 with that hot weatherman from TV, leaving you in the dust.

Capricorn: Your mind has been slammed shut so often, the screen door has worn out. Open it up and let a few new ideas in; they’ll prop up the windows and you’ll catch a nice breeze to air out all those weird opinions.

Aquarius: People may say you’re one foam noodle short of a pool party, but they don’t realize you have inner depths. Pop out of the water occasionally and goose them with your snorkel, just to keep things interesting.

Pisces: Stop carrying five pounds of worry in a twopound bag. All those fears keep escaping, and the weight is making your shoulders ache. Cash in that bad juju for some hope and good news, because the Universe is offering you an excellent exchange rate.

Aries: Beware of a mustachioed man with a limp on Thursday; he’s probably trustworthy, but he’s in a bad mood thanks to all the Lego bricks hidden in his carpet. Just buy him a coffee and send him on his way.