Aries: You’re flying so high, not even the weather satellites can track you. Enjoy everything going your way, because family will knock you out of orbit by Saturday. Take a few pics while you’re up there, though, because the view is amazing.
Taurus: There’s nothing wrong with you that a game of Chutes and Ladders with a clown car full of weasels can’t cure. If you can’t find weasels, try a honey badger, a snapping turtle and a Jenga set.
Gemini: Running people out of town on a rail is so yesterday. If someone wants you gone, they’re just going to give you directions to their house in Apple Maps with the language tab stuck in Klingon. Pack a lunch and travel light until you find civilization again.
Cancer: Your online support group meeting for internet phobias will be canceled again, freeing you up to finally see what’s been growling and building a nest under your bed. Life hack: Feed it hot dogs and train it to make coffee. Even boogeymen like to feel needed.
Leo: An opportunity falls in your lap on Sunday. It’s very bitey, and it wants bacon. Appease it with an offering from the McDonald’s breakfast menu, and your week will be close to perfect.
Virgo: No one wants to see you fail; that’s why they close their eyes when they talk to you. Go ahead, become a smashing success in your spare time on Tuesday. Also, check their desks for loose change and gift cards whenever they start a conversation.
Libra: Your inner glow is so bright, people are getting suntans just from being around you. Go ahead and shine like the diamond you are, but if you need cash, set up a mobile tanning salon in your car.
Scorpio: Karma’s got your number on Friday. That’s fine; what should worry you is that it also has your inseam measurements, your credit score and your Tinder password. Handle it with care, but keep your doors locked.
Sagittar ius: Relax, the whole world isn’t out to get you, but there’s at least five people who want your rum cake recipe. Whip up a few cakes, heavy on the sauce, and you’ll see how hilarious your drunk friends can truly be.
Capricorn: A whirlwind of inspiration blows into your life this weekend. It’s great for your creativity, but hard on the lawn furniture, any loose papers and your hair. That’s OK; Einstein had the same problem, but he didn’t have that extra-strength sculpting gel in the bathroom, so go for it.
Aquarius: Expect several challenges this week, along with 137 tiny opportunities. If you use Velcro and stack them right, they’ll completely cover any problems and will also brighten up the living room.
Pisces: The only thing better than a lovely dream is awakening to an even more awesome one. Slap anyone who tries to pinch you, because this one beats the time you dreamed about John McEnroe starting a Bigfoot-only dance troupe.
