SCORPIO: Don’t worry, no one knows your secret. No, not that one, everybody read about that on Facebook. But the one involving the leaf blower and a case of coleslaw? It’s a mystery.
SAGITTARIUS: Some days you’re the golf ball, some days you’re the club, but on Thursday you’re the tee; tired of getting knocked out of the way. Go ahead, yell at them until they grab their own putter and run away.
CAPRICORN: There’s nothing wrong with you that a good night’s sleep and a few million dollars won’t cure. Luckily, one of those is headed your way on Friday. Pack your week with thoughtful deeds so Karma will send you the one you want.
AQUARIUS: Life isn’t a ballet; it’s a group of fifth-graders trying to copy the Watusi and the Mashed Potato from a YouTube video. It’s messy but a lot of fun if you don’t care who’s watching. Sling those elbows and throw a shimmy in for good measure on Wednesday.
PISCES: When you call, the muse answers, but you haven’t been following through. Go ahead, indulge yourself in art. Write stories, paint with your toes, make macaroni sculptures of 90-year-old bikini models. You’ll inspire, you’ll shock, and you might even make a few bucks along the way.
ARIES: Sure, you think you’re tough, but you’re less “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” and more “Yelping Goofball, Running Weenie.” Luckily, you’re faster than whatever’s chasing you this week, so you win.
TAURUS: This isn’t the quiet before the storm; sometimes the Universe knows to treat you gently for a while. Enjoy the kid glove treatment, because eventually Karma will be back to giving you noogies.
GEMINI: When it rains, it pours, and that’s why you’re outside in your skivvies trying to work up a good rain dance. Send out a group text; we’ll all show up with disco moves in our Underoos if it means finally getting a decent cloudburst.
CANCER: On Saturday, life tries to give you lemons. Insist on adding a few more items to that DoorDash order; the Universe will be footing the bill for a weekend’s worth of Pink Lemonade Jell-O Shots, and maybe some drunken Amazon shopping.
LEO: You have no problem taking one small step for man; it’s the giant leap for mankind that’s stressing you. Balance it out with a medium sideways hop and five solid minutes of the Macarena. That should be enough to confuse onlookers for a while.
VIRGO: You’re dodging opportunities like they’re GPS-targeted hailstones. Put on a helmet, grab a bucket and catch a few while they’re still bouncing down on your head. When the storm passes, you’ll be set with some cool, hard cash.
LIBRA: Sometimes it’s not easy doing the right thing, but Karma will give you gloating privileges for several days afterward. So buck up, buttercup, and make some good happen. The sooner you do it, the sooner you can brag about it.
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