SAGITTARIUS: Good fortune stalks you like a cat who has just spotted a slow-moving grasshopper. Life will be much better in a few days, even if you do have to wipe the kitty spittle off of it.
CAPRICORN: A bad situation tries to snare you, but you defend yourself like a Waffle House waitress swinging a chair during a 2 a.m. scuffle. Not only do you got this, but you’ll go viral for it too.
AQUARIUS: Not every day can be a red letter day; some days are written with a purple crayon, and others have that distinct Sharpie smell. But Tuesday will be decked out in a rainbow script that shimmers when you read it: expect some magic.
PISCES: Some people have their ducks all in a row, but you’ve had 200 angry monkeys swinging from the rafters for a couple of weeks. Don’t worry, it will all calm down; you’ll have some quiet time to clean up the poo and go on a banana run.
ARIES: For every two steps forward, you slide three steps back. You can accept defeat, or throw in a few hip shakes and twirls to create a whole new dance. Bonus points if you slip in the Funky Chicken and it gets you on “Dancing With the Stars.”
TAURUS: Knowing all the answers isn’t nearly as important as figuring out the question. Quit asking “Why am I here?” and start pondering “Why isn’t there a restaurant where belly dancers wear cup holsters and mix milkshakes?” That’s the million-dollar riddle.
GEMINI: Some people can shovel crap out of their way easily, but you’re working with a slightly damp compostable spork. Give yourself a break and a better shovel; you’ll see daylight again soon.
CANCER: Thursday offers you a leg up; go ahead, take the boost and the win. If an extra appendage makes you walk funny, you can turn that third leg into an awesome lamp for the holidays.
LEO: Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but it’s rarely in the hands of the BeDazzler. Put down the craft supplies and go outside for a little fresh air, while your family hides the glue gun and glitter again.
VIRGO: If music be the food of love, play on. Just make sure it’s the good stuff instead of Funyuns and an expired Twinkie. You’re not going to see any action with the “Who Let the Dogs Out?” mega-remix. Find Barry White on Spotify, and your weekend will improve substantially.
LIBRA: In every life, a little rain must fall, but on Wednesday you’re caught in a Sharknado plus a few angry squid throwing hailstones. Duck and cover until the storm passes; maybe there’s a Cancer-born cutie willing to kiss your wounds and spot you an extra leg.
SCORPIO: Luck favors the prepared, but sometimes it likes to tag along with a chaotic, over-caffeinated and imaginative weirdo just for fun. Take notes, because you’ll definitely want to tell stories about this week.
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