Zodiac
Pisces: The road not taken is fine if you want a challenge, but the path of least resistance is wide, and has plenty of great restaurants plus excellent shopping. Don’t let anyone harsh your smooth, mellow journey.
Aries: Success may be a far cry away, but some fun with your sweetie is just a nearby growl and a “Woohoo!” away. Rock their world now, and you can concentrate on conquering the world tomorrow.
Taurus: You’re as cool and collected as an over-caffeinated circus clown who’s just had a squirrel run up their pants leg. Take a breath and ask the universe for help, preferably before you run commando through the neighborhood Sunday morning.
Gemini: You think you’re an expert at burning your candle at both ends, but in reality you look like a wax statue after a weenie roast. Pull yourself together and chill out for a while, before you become a permanent puddle.
Cancer: Good news is slowly meandering your way on Thursday. Remember that when bad news steals a car and breaks the speed limit getting to your house Tuesday.
Leo: A new venture could bring in big money; could be new orders coming in, or someone presenting you with a comically oversized check. Either way, you’ll show off by buying only name-brand groceries at Walmart.
Virgo: It seemed like a good plan to weld that wheelbarrow to a souped-up mobility scooter, but after one pothole your mother-inlaw is in a tree. Just remember: “Hey y’all, watch this” is a valid defense, especially when tequila is involved.
Libra: On Wednesday, you have all the best questions, including “Where are your shoes?” and “Why do you owe $200 to a gang of field mice wearing tiny brass knuckles?” Tuesday will bring all the answers; whip out your phone, because no one will believe you unless you record it.
Scorpio: Most folks are looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, but frankly you’d be happy with a pocketful of quarters and an extra large chocolate shake. Hang on to those low expectations; they’ll come in handy when your boss hands out bonuses this week.
Sagittar ius: You may not know everything, but you do know selected juicy bits about your friends, family and neighbors. Drop a few hints this week; either your chores will be done for you, or everyone will flock to your house after church for the best gossip.
Capricorn: People may call you a diamond in the rough, but that just means you’re a rock who needs a tumble. Dress sharp this Saturday and you could score a cutie who will polish you up.
Aquarius: Someone has a chip on their shoulder, but you know it’s because they’re standing under some bull. Tell them to cut the crap, or put them out to pasture.
