Zodiac Cancer: A lucky leprechaun keeps trying to give you his gold, but you’re dodging him at every turn. Stop and take a nice gift from the Universe, otherwise that little green guy will get angry. And you wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.

Leo: In every life a little rain must fall. Most will get a light spritz, but there’s a hailstorm of blue ice from an airplane bathroom free-falling toward your location. The July heat will melt it fast, but your car will smell funny for a few weeks.


The beauty of life is in the living, the grace is in the giving, but the best fun is judging outfits when people come out of the public restroom. Take a friend, so you can both feel better about yourselves and your dubious life choices.

Libra: Tuesday brings a challenge, but you’ve been training dozens of ferrets for this exact situation. Dress them in camouflage and unleash them upon your enemies; no one expects weasel warfare at the office copy machine.

Scorpio: A big break comes Friday when your garage band is picked for a nationwide commercial. Sure, they’re just using your music to mimic the sounds of a five-car pileup in a quarry, but the check clears nicely.

Sagittar ius: If you’re sliding three steps back for every two steps forward, you’ve got the treadmill set too high. Slow your roll, or make the neighbors question your sanity by running laps in the backyard while singing “Born Free” at full volume. Who says an exercise routine can’t be fun?

Capricorn: Sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug, but Thursday you’re the gas station squeegee. Quit dragging your butt across the glass, no one can see through the streaks.

Aquarius: Your love of computer fonts makes you go viral this week. Cash in on your social fame; font nerds will pay big bucks to see your stuff on Only-ComicSans. Pisces: Not only does the Universe smile on you this week, it invites you to lunch and slides you an envelope full of cash. Take the money and keep your lips zipped on all Karma’s dirty little secrets.

Aries: Your back hurts and you’re walking funny. Some people have a chip on their shoulder, but you’re carrying the whole bag of mulch. Drop your load but not your pants; start relaxing in steps so you don’t scare everyone in the Walmart gardening section.

Taurus: You’re moving so slow, even the snails behind you are yelling “EscarGO already!” Make a quick decision today; if it’s right, you win. If it’s wrong, you get a great story to soothe the steamed slimers at your back.

Gemini: Put your left foot in, take your left foot out, put it back in and shake it all about. It’s a great way to do the hokey pokey, but a lousy method of seeing if there are alligators in the water. If you want to live dangerously, goose your mother-in-law when she’s not looking.