Zodiac
LIBRA: Opportunities are springing up like wildflowers and somehow you’re allergic to every single one. Don’t sulk in sneezy defeat; slap a fishbowl on your head and grab those pollen-covered goldmines while you can.
SCORPIO: In a world filled with drama, you’re the cozy bedtime story everyone needs. People will flock to you this week just to soak up your vibe. Make it worth your while with a cover charge, or just start a new TikTok account.
SAGITTARIUS: You’re ready to soar like an eagle, but really you just bounce like an overfed pigeon. Limber up before you try to fly, otherwise you’ll get a cramp in your wing and have to catch a ride on some kid’s drone.
CAPRICORN: All lights are green, all systems are go, everything you want is waiting on you. Get outside and scoop up your good fortune; your snuggly blanket and Netflix will still be there when you get back.
AQUARIUS: Your life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like stale peanut brittle: kinda lumpy and tough to chew, but sweet in the right places. Gobble it up, and soon the Universe will come around with the good stuff: a Reese’s Cups gift bag.
PISCES: You are magic and moonlight, a tiny tornado that whips up leaves in parking lots, leaving people gasping in delight. Keep being your lovely, weird self, just leave the ukulele out of it; your songs give Karma a headache.
ARIES: Bad luck? You’re a one-man band, and the band just voted to kick you out and hire the third runner-up from the 2005 season of American Idol: Liechtenstein. Keep tooting your own horn; soon someone will appreciate your zydeco-bagpipe beat.
TAURUS: Sure, you can roll with the punches this week, but it’s easier to drop to the floor and kick Karma in the knee. You can’t outrun divine retribution, but you can be smug while the Universe tries to catch you.
GEMINI: The answer you seek won’t be on a silver platter, but it might show up at the bottom of a 20-piece McNuggets box. Wipe off the honey mustard, and you’ll be good to go.
CANCER: Friday will try to paralyze you with fear, but all it manages to do is lightly stun you with puzzlement. Feel free to cock an eyebrow in disdain as you walk away; just don’t challenge it to do better, or next week will be a doozy.
LEO: Some days you’re the jet ski, other days you’re the giant octopus, but on Wednesday you’re just someone on shore watching the chaos. Keep that phone handy; the footage won’t make you a legend but it will make you internet-famous, which is almost as good.
VIRGO: On Monday, you’re like a wad of rubber bands in the hands of a 5-year-old. Overstretched, slightly sticky, and will definitely snap on someone. Step back and relax before you make someone cry; otherwise, you’ll spend your lunchtime in the Principal’s Office.
