Sagittar ius: Your plans go awry for Internet stardom on Saturday when you discover that cats hate wearing tap shoes. Work on another scheme to dazzle the masses, and watch out for squishy hairballs on your pillow for a while.
Capricorn: Karma won’t let you drink from the fire hose of prosperity, but it will allow you to use the fire extinguisher of small pleasant surprises this week. Squirt them out each day, and you’ll almost forget your worries.
Aquarius: The best things in life are free, mainly because Destiny was looking the other way when yo-u carted them off. Now you need to decide between true love or a 60-inch TV. Hint: Your sweetie probably isn’t surrounded by security cameras.
Pisces: Go ahead, reach for the stars; you’ve abandoned your yoga routine, and you could really use the stretch. Actually snagging a few low-flying dreams from the stratosphere will be a lovely bonus.
Aries: Ignore those who say you’re useless. That boar hog is enjoying its new curves and now has a fashion Instagram, thank you very much. Everyone has one thing they do very well; it’s up to you to figure out how to make money at it. Bonus points if it’s weird and legal.
Taurus: Your new future is waiting for you, but it requires that first big step. If you can’t manage that, plant your butt on a skateboard and ask someone to give you a push. Just make sure you’re not pointed downhill.
Gemini: If you remember lawn darts, limber up; this week will keep you hopping. If you’re too young to remember this game, stand way over there; a pointy projectile will be with you very shortly.
Cancer: You had big plans for your career, but now you’re at a standstill. Remember what they say: If at first you don’t succeed, chuck your plans and start a You-Tube channel discussing the mating rituals of lost socks.
Leo: The Universe won’t give you all the answers, but it will tell you three jokes that will make people shoot SpaghettiOs out of their noses. You can use this power wisely, or break up a really boring lunch meeting.
Virgo: All the stars align for you on Thursday, and they’re saying one thing: NO. You know exactly what they’re talking about, so put down the weed whacker and walk away. You’ll live to be petty another day.
Libra: A new romance may not sweep you off your feet, but it will trip you as you’re walking down the stairs. This relationship will be red hot, with some black and blue bruises since you’re both klutzes. Stock up on sexy undies and first aid supplies.
Scorpio: Tuesday is the calm before the storm, but you’re itching for action like a tornado chaser in June. Don’t worry, you’ll be in the thick of it by Thursday. You may not spot Helen Hunt, but you’ll definitely see a few flying cows.
