Zodiac Sagittar ius: You won’t discover the answer to life, the universe and everything on Tuesday, but you will find out what’s been digging up your yard. If you guessed a famously drunk raccoon on a tiny forklift, you’re right.
Capricorn: Some days you’re the one giving the wedgie, some days you’re the one receiving it, but on Sunday you’re the thong underwear being yanked up. You may be out of shape and needing a wash afterward, but you will live to see another day.
Aquarius: You have a big decision to make; quit stressing your brain. Attach “yes” and “no” flags to a few hundred mosquitoes, then release them in your workplace. After the screaming, swatting and laughing, you’ll soon have your answer.
Pisces: The Universe has agreed to be gentle with you for a while; return the favor by not screaming at the vast empty sky while shaking your fist. Once it’s quiet, you’ll realize that Karma dropped a few packages of inner peace and prosperity on your doorstep.
Aries: Having trouble pinning down those million-dollar ideas zipping through your head? Grab some mental duct tape and stick a few thoughts to the wall. They won’t bring the big bucks just yet, but you’ll have enough to buy a burger combo by Friday.
Taurus: See a penny, pick it up, and all the day you’ll have stores telling you that cents are obsolete yet they still want exact change. Buck that trend by paying them in grumpy centipedes trained to retrieve people’s text message histories; who needs cash when you have all the dirt?
Gemini: The stars won’t align in your favor this week, but they will create some very cool pictures in the sky. Look up and you could see Whistler’s Mother jazzercising to Rod Stewart’s greatest hits.
Cancer: You’re not everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s OK. You’re definitely someone’s white chocolate peppermint decaf coffee with a Reese’s Pieces foam topping. Keep looking, and you’ll find your perfect weirdo.
Leo: While you’re definitely the brightest bulb in the room, on Wednesday you’re not firmly seated in your socket. Either get some voltage to your brain by wiggling a little, or just ask your sweetie to grab you and twist.
Virgo: Everyone’s worried about the elephant in the room, but you’re concerned about someone with a mouse in their pocket. Just relax and let the chaos unfold, but remember to save some cheese for your new tiny friend.
Libra: It would be easier to hire Mothman and Bigfoot to find the Tooth Fairy than dealing with your situation on Monday. It may be difficult, but at least you’ll have a wild story and some blurry camera footage for your efforts.
Scorpio: Life’s been moving faster than a toddler hopped up on Red Bull lately, but your reality crashes on Wednesday. Karma will tuck you in and then give you a quiet timeout for the rest of the week; enjoy your rare moments of peace.
