Capricorn: Life is like a box of chocolates: Someone already ate the tasty ones, and put their thumb in the bottom of the others. Don’t worry, the Universe is sending you the really good assortment later this week.
Aquarius: You may not be a shooting star, but you are a slightly damp sparkler that some kid is chasing their sister with. You’re not inspirational, but you are fun and a little dangerous. Use that energy this week.
Pisces:
Good things whirl your way on Monday, moving like the Lawrence Welk dancers after a three-martini lunch. Grab them as they sway into your orbit; a better life is worth a bit of friendly chaos.
Aries: Two doors are open to you on Wednesday. One leads to a biking adventure with a pickpocketing marmoset across state lines. Behind the other door are two boxes of Frosted Flakes and the spare TV remote you’ve been looking for. Choose wisely.
Taurus: Joy is in the giving, not the receiving, which is why you’ll feel so awesome after giving someone a piece of your mind on Tuesday. Don’t worry, it’s a small piece, kinda dented, so you won’t miss it.
Gemini: This week, you’re like a moth trapped in a tanning booth: in the wrong place, extremely toasted, but loving every minute of it. Pack your sun cream and a few juice boxes.
Cancer: Someone has told you a huge secret, and you’re like a Macy’s Thanksgiving float on a pointy light post: about to blow and spill it all. Keep your silence until you get all your friends together; that way, you only have to betray someone’s trust once.
Leo: Life takes a sharp left turn this week, but that’s OK; you slipped an Air Tag in its pocket days ago. Whip out your phone and keep up because not even the Universe can outmaneuver you.
Virgo: Other people make mountains out of molehills, but you’re skipping the wildlife altogether and just creating those peaks out of thin air. While your overreaction isn’t warranted, those lederhosen do show off your legs nicely.
Libra: It’s all smooth sailing ahead, but you’re barely afloat and paddling like mad in a Costco- sized plastic tub that used to hold cheese puffs. Relax and let the waves do the work; Karma’s going to land you on a nice little slice of paradise, even if you do smell like a deliciously snack.
Scorpio: Great ideas are a dime a dozen, and you just found a quarter in the couch. Buy up some nifty notions, a few bold concepts and one frazzled brainstorm. They may not get you to Easy Street, but you’ll definitely end up in the culde- sac of Mostly Comfortable.
Sagittar ius: Everyone turns to you for advice, but they never return the favor. Take comfort, because their recommendations would either get you arrested or involved in a weird relationship with a Swiffer and a door-to-door salesman. That’s fine if you’re into that; no judgement here.
