Zodiac
ARIES: On Monday, you’re all sizzle and no steak. Don’t disappoint everyone by throwing tofu into the pan; slip in some bacon and everyone will be your friend.
TAURUS: You’re like a wombat driving a speed boat; everyone thinks you’re adorable until you get too close. Smile, wave and take off before they wonder who let you escape and gave you the keys.
GEMINI: Music may be the food of life, but that techno Muppet rap you’re playing is like store-brand Mountain Dew for the soul. You’ll save lives and your reputation if you learn to play that keyboard instead of just recording it as you throw it down the stairs.
CANCER: This Thursday, expect the chips to be down. That’s bad news if you’re gambling, but great news if you’ve been trying to snag those nacho cheese delights from the top shelf.
LEO: In the midst of several bad days is one shining, excellent day. Grab your spouse and go play in the sunshine before your mood fades, because sooner or later the Universe will notice that you’re having fun.
VIRGO: You’re in the big chair now after years of sitting at the kids’ table. All the new responsibility is no problem, but you might need a threadbare Spongebob pillow in that exe cutive recliner; you’re just not used to that much luxury and space.
LIBRA: No one can tell you ‘no,’ because you run straight past them to do whatever you want. Looks like that double major in track and psychology is paying off; once you learn how to do drive-by guilt trips, nothing will stop you.
SCORPIO: Forget the goose that laid the golden egg, you’re the chick who figured out how to monetize sitting on the couch and watching Andy Griffith reruns. Take a gander at expanding your portfolio with some mindless snacking, and your CashApp will overflow.
SAGITTARIUS: In each soul there’s a divine spark, but yours is dimmer than a 20-year-old refrigerator light. Take some time for yourself and recharge, so people can clearly see what you have to offer when they open the door.
CAPRICORN: Some days you’re kissed by morning dew; other days, you’re pelted with softball-size hail. On Monday, find a helmet and put it on because there’s a storm brewing and it can take out a few windshields.
AQUARIUS: You’ve been on the Internet so much, even TikTok said “Whoa, dude, take a break.” Go outside and try to remember where you parked the car. You probably need groceries and you’re too broke for DoorDash.
PISCES: In every life some rain must fall, but nothing is getting wet at your house, because you’ve used car wax on everything that stood still for too long. On the plus side, the water just beads up and rolls off the dog now.
