Zodiac Beth Bartlett Taurus: You want to be like Lord Byron: mad, bad and dangerous to know. But in reality, you’re just slightly miffed, inconvenient and accidentally in someone’s phone contacts as “Brfol.” Start wearing leather pants and driving a technicolor VW bus to get your reputation going.

Gemini: There’s a small voice telling you something’s not a good idea. Listen to it, and you’ll avoid a lot of emotional trauma. However, don’t take that voice’s advice on lottery numbers, how unspoiled that milk in the fridge is, or if that cop didn’t actually see you run that red light.

Cancer: On Thursday you’ll find the courage to stand up to your convictions. Just in time, too, because they are shaking you down for lunch money so often, you feel like a Magic 8-Ball.

Leo: Wednesday feels like an easy ride, but that’s because you haven’t hit the potholes yet. Buckle up, buttercup, because your boss is about to send you down a road so rough, even Google Maps won’t go with you.

Virgo: Don’t listen to those who say you’re a dim bulb; you’re actually the light of someone’s life. Let them know you’re running low. They’ll drag their feet through the carpet and zap you back to brightness in no time.

Libra: Dancing like no one’s watching is passé. You start a new trend of watching like no one’s dancing. Expect to hear some new, inventive swear words as you plow through a wedding celebration in the park this weekend.

Scorpio: A stitch in time saves nine, but an automatic staple gun means you’ll never have to stitch again. You’ll look snazzy, but the metal detector at the airport will sing like ABBA on Red Bull whenever you step through.

Sagittar ius: Being the bigger person just means you’re a larger target for next time. Instead, train a squad of mosquitoes to continuously chase your enemies. Revenge is a dish best served with anti-itch ointment.

Capricorn: You think you’ve been easing on down the road with your personal soundtrack, but it’s actually thousands of cicadas screaming around you. Record a few hours if you’re into hardcore metal, or if you want to deter anyone from sharing your playlist ever again.

Aquarius: The Universe has signed you up for the Karmic Surprise of the Month Club. Sure, the first one is fun, but next month will be a doozy. Cancel it quickly before the bill shows up.

Pisces: Not only does your ship finally come in, it’s also towing a tugboat of treasure. You owe your success to good deeds, positive thoughts, and threatening a leprechaun with a reveal of his OnlyFans account if he didn’t cough up a few pots of gold. Enjoy!

Aries: Forget that project you’re planning on Friday. It’s going to be like gargling thumbtacks: painful, useless and will put you in a bad mood. Instead, use those tacks to start a vision board for all the butts you plan to kick in the office on Monday.